Are you searching for something in 2020 more satisfying than the status quo?
Me too. It’s been quite a journey:
I grew up saluting a country proclaiming freedom for all, only to discover that “all” never meant everyone.
I grew up in an all-white Texas church, never understanding that when Jesus said,
“Love your neighbor as yourself,” he meant everyone, including me, including those different than I, even those who feel like enemies.
I woke up and realized I was one part of a global family on one shared Earthly home.
It was enough to send me on a life-long journey seeking integrity, justice and equity within and without.
What an out-of-the-box and labyrinthine journey it has been!
So begins my website, and so continues my own journey after a long string of awakenings.
Here is the fact I keep coming back to: The only thing I bring to my every encounter is myself. Therefore, my life’s core task is to take responsibility for myself. It is the foundational gift I have to offer upon which all the rest of my life’s work is built.
That is how I can honor and serve the God who knitted me together in my mother’s womb, and honor my far-flung human family and our one shared earthly home. How I show up matters. Even when my computer’s dreaded “spinning beach ball” forces me to stop often and long to wait before continuing to type. Even when my old patterns of fear or overwork or suspicions flare. Even when I’m treated unfairly. Even when I recoil at the latest news.
I’ve been participating in an online Advent retreat offered by William Redfield. One quote that stopped me in my tracks was the invitation to “more fully and more completely and more truthfully know and claim who we are. It is this open and authentic presence that we must bring to the manger when we approach this special birth. We will not know who and what we are gazing at unless and until we know who we truly are. This is the work of Advent.” Knowing and honoring the sacred heart of myself is the only way I can know and honor the sacred in you and in all of life.
Let me be clear. I’m not shooting for perfection. Knowing who I am means knowing the fullness that was uniquely me at my birth, outside of the distress and adaptations I’ve picked up over my lifetime as I tried so hard to fit in and be good. For me, that knowing includes my clarity that I was born an “eight eyed steam girl,” and thus calmly strolling through life just isn’t possible for me. While I have to take responsibility for how I let off steam or what I do with my unique sight, I have only one life to live—mine. Like all of us humans, I fall down and have to get up time and time again. That’s the messy, frustrating and glorious journey of transformation after waking up to myself and the world around me.
My good intent is nice, but intent definitely isn’t enough. When something shows up in my thoughts or behavior that is out of alignment with my heart, I am learning to slow down and become a deep-diving home-grown explorer, looking wide and digging deep, armed with an old toothbrush to scrub my inner nooks and crannies that I’ve ignored or excused for far too long.
Despite all of the strenuous work of deep cleaning and the bruises from falling, I’ve walked with far too many folks on this journey to believe the lie that I am trapped forever in compulsions, distress, trauma—mine, our culture’s or someone else’s.
This is work only I can do.
However, I definitely don’t do it alone. I’ve learned to notice and appreciate the steadiness of Love that surrounds me. I grab the hands of friends and family. I reach out to the edges of the universe and into the smallest part of my cells and touch the support that is always present, even if unseen. Sometimes dancing and sometimes complaining at the top of my lungs, I step once again into taking responsibility for myself and my actions.
This has been my journey for most of my adult life. This Advent a few more pieces fell into place and my body and spirit feel the tingle of the new. The work of 2020 will be to knit this new into my bones and my actions.
Are you on this journey too? Welcome!